Sensitive Subjects

Sensitive Subjects

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I’m pretty sure everyone has an emotional tender spot.  It’s the one area that never quite healed up or formed correctly and the slightest nudge is enough to send shooting pains into the heart and wrap a web of shame around one’s brain.  Some people have more tender spots than others, and some tender spots are tenderer than others.

For me, it’s the mention of my employment history.  The mere suggestion at past jobs and reasons for leaving makes me shudder and the feeling of nausea rises from my stomach and into my throat.  I have to swallow back bile at the thought of explaining the whole mess and hang my head low so not to meet anyone’s eyes that might carry disappointment in them.

The past is the past and this is the present.  No need to dwell.  We are here now in this moment and in this day and that’s all that should matter.  Don’t worry about if I am going to leave but rather focus on the time that I stayed.  Sort of Buddhist-like and forward thinking of me, right?  As it turns out, most employers do not share this way of thinking with me.

This has come as quite a revelation to me.

It has also made me acutely aware that I may not be cut out for the working world.  Yet, somehow bills keep appearing in the mailbox making it clear that I either need to start playing the lotto with the hopes of a big win or that I need to shape up and stick with a job long enough to let the tender spot toughen up.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. bluemoth13
    Oct 23, 2014 @ 02:24:42

    It must have been hard to write this as it was agonizing to read. I felt your pain. All that you wanted the reader to experience I felt.
    I have something similar that I have tried to overcome. My secret emotional wound that just won’t heal is the fear of being left alone and not having anyone to love. Or to be loved in return. I’ve got the heart of a servant and it is my deepest desire to help others and I realize many people love me for all that I do for them but it is hard to believe. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply

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