Choices


We are faced with millions of decisions in a lifetime. Some of the decisions are easy to make, like brushing your teeth or wearing a seatbelt. They are automatic and routine with the risks of doing or not doing clear and clean cut. For me, the thought of a toothless mouth or flying through a windshield takes away the hesitancy and second-guessing associated with decisions with risks and outcomes that are less known.

By nature, I am a cautious person. I over-think every decision and when I finally do make a choice, then I ruminate on if it was the right one. It’s a very tough way to live, being scared of the future and questioning the past. What about the present?

Sometimes I question myself, police interrogation style, demanding answers. There is no good cop/bad cop scenario in my head, only bad cop who is unreasonably upset with my ability to make a snap judgment.

This decision making problem is something that I have accepted as a sort-of handicap, like a lazy eye or an inwardly turned foot. I know how to work with it, but it can be overly taxing for my husband, especially when in situations where there are many choices to make, like grocery shopping. How can a person possibly just pick a can of soup or a head of lettuce without considering all options? There is the price and quality of a product, likelihood of use, and then trying to remember any bad experiences with this or that product in the past to take into account before anything goes into the cart. Whereas, when he goes by himself, he is back within an hour with several meals options that are ready to go. It’s just another one of his gifts.

In my present life, I am in the middle of a transition from a decision that I labored for several weeks before committing to it. I am looking back at what I’m leaving and forward into a sea of uncertainty. As the time to start the next phase in my life approaches, the waves are rising and getting choppier. They are breaking hard onto the shore of my sense of stability. Yet, I’m still making all the preparations to load up into my little boat and set out for the unknown, decision making impairment, be damned.

If my boat sinks, I’ve got a life jacket and I’ll shoot off flares for help. Hopefully, I’ll run ashore of unchartered lands that are rich with resources. Just in case anyone is wondering, I fully plan to claim these lands for my own and declare it all, Puneybonia. In either case, I’m making a choice and standing behind it for better or worse.

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