Dear *****Airlines,

Thank you for a delightful trip. The seat was at the perfect tilt forward to never get comfortable and the armrest was just sticky enough for me to know that bacteria was alive and well. I liked the way the air vent was stuck at both full blast and pointed directly at my head. The constant air blowing kept me alert. You must have anticipated my excitement about the flight and desire to not miss a second of it. Not to worry, the tall lady behind me got the message, too. She kicked and kneed my seat every few minutes, so the air vent situation was really unnecessary.

I admit that I was a little puzzled by the extended delay on the runway. First, there was too much weight on the plane. Of course, this was concerning so I was glad that the extra weight by way of fuel was to be drained off to ensure our safe passage through the skies. Then, the defueling crew couldn’t remove the fuel cap and it was determined that we were actually an acceptable weight. No changes needed. So we rattled off into the stormy night.

A free drink might have been nice to calm our nerves about possibly being over the normal weight capacity in a wild storm that violently shook us while lightning bolted in the distance. Never mind, I understand the outrageous price of ice, plastic cups, and peace of mind these days that makes it impossible to give away.

In any case, we landed well shaken, not stirred like a good martini. The flight attendant took over the intercom and said, “Welcome to Indiana, where everyone is welcome all the time, now.”

My fellow passengers breathed sighs of relief and congratulated one another on reaching the ground in one piece. We bonded through that perilous adventure into a group of tough, urban, first world survivalists who really have nothing to complain about aside from a delayed departure time and excessive turbulence.

Thanks for getting me home alive *******Airlines.


A loyal, economy flight rider
P. Bones

3 thoughts on “Letter to ******Airlines

  1. That must have been a horrible experience… Flights in Economy Class sadly are quite bad most times. I think we all need more money to afford something more comfortable…


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